Cheese Whizz
by ar-elenriel
Summary: After spending a merry spring evening singing Tra La La Lally Elrond must deal with a pregnant Celebrian and her craving for Cheese Whiz and Ritz crackers.


Cheese Whizz

By arelenriel

Disclaimer: I do not own Elrond, Celebrian or Erestor. Tolkien does and I hope he will excuse for the profligate abuse of his characters.

P.S. This is what happens when one tries to write a story during an episode of insomnia. Please forgive me.

As the dim light of early morning filtered softly across the bed Lord Elrond of Rivendell began to stir. He usually was not awake at this early hour due to late nights spent singing Tra La La Lally Down in the Valley and assisting stray travelers in reading their maps. But this spring morning was different somehow; a certain someone was missing from the bed beside him. A someone who considering her current state of pregnancy should not be up and about at this early hour either.

"Celebrian meleth, where are you." called Elrond softly. He rose from the bed and put on the pair of blue bunny slippers that Celebrian had knitted him for their hundredth wedding anniversary and went to search the house for his pregnant and apparently sleepwalking wife. He carefully checked out in the garden to ensure that she had not accidentally gotten out of the house and had become injured. He checked the bathroom as their unborn sons had begun using her bladder as a chaise lounge. Finally, Elrond got the bright idea that he ought to go and check the kitchen. After all where else could a pregnant elleth be at four in the morning?

Elrond gasped at the state of his beautiful kitchen. Erestor was going to emit bricks from his anal cavity at the sight of this disaster. If Erestor did, of course Elrond would be down a Seneschal as shitting bricks often resulted in the death of the person afflicted with this problem. He then noted that Celebrian had her face buried in the cheese cabinet and was viciously flinging random wheels and blocks of cheese off of the shelves.

"No not here, not here either. We have cheddar, Muenster, Edam, Gorgonzola, Bleu, Brie, and Sliced American. We have every variety of cheese sold in Middle Earth, Valinor and lands beyond. Why oh why don't we have the one kind of cheese that I want. THAT MY BABIES WANT DAMMIT." shouted a very overwrought Celebrian with tears flowing down her face and dampening her soft cotton nightgown.

"Celebrian my love what kind of cheese is it that you desire? I will do the best that I can to obtain it for you even if I must go to the Moon to get it."

" I want Cheese Whizzz and Ritz Crackers . Oh those buttery crackers and that delicious processed cheese food." wailed Celebrian in a tone that threatened to wake up half the valley.

"But meleth you have simply been looking in the wrong cupboard. Erestor does not categorize Cheese Whiz as cheese meleth. It is a processed snack food. Those are kept in that cupboard over there." Elrond pointed to a dusty padlocked cabinet.

" But it is locked and only Erestor has the keys and I want Cheese Whiz.," screamed Celebrian.

" Relax my love I knew that you were having tremendous cravings for pre-processed junk food. I obtained the key from Erestor before he left for bed. We will have Cheese Whiz and Ritz for you in a jiffy my love. '

Elrond opened the dusty cabinet and removed a can and a box from a very dusty shelf. Then he removed a plate and a glass from the hutch and a gallon of milk from the icebox. (Celebrian did after all need to have something good for her sons as part of her early morning snack.) With a flourish he poured a glass of milk. Then he placed several crackers on the plate and sprayed them with mounds of gooey Cheese Whiz. He then placed the can of spray cheese and the crackers back in the cabinet and locked it safely once more.

" Here you are meleth a delicious snack of Cheese Whiz and Ritz Crackers." stated Elrond as he presented Celebrians' snack to her.

" Oh Elrond this looks lovely it does, But it is to late now and all of the sudden I feel very sick to my stomach,"

Elrond sighed and went to the infirmary to prepare a tincture for an upset stomach. It was going to be a very long day. He could not wait until his sons were born and he could finally have his wife back.


End file.
